LOVE. DESIRE. HEARTACHE. REPEAT.
by Yseult deBreton

RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS/TIMELINE: Set post-"Chosen".
SUMMARY: It's a Buffy and Angel ficlet. What else do you need to know?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Inspired by the man I love who loves me more than life itself and for SCWLC. Here's your belated birthday present. Notice the almost complete lack of angst.
DISTRIBUTION: Yseult's Passion (http://yseultspassion.com), list archives, everyone else please ask first.
DATE OF COMPLETION: 13 October 2003
DISCLAIMER: What? You can't tell me and Joss apart?
FEEDBACK: God. Yes. Especially since I haven't written anything for weeks. Send it to yseultdb@yahoo.com

Love. Desire. Heartache. Repeat.

The mantra played on an endless loop in Buffy's head. At first she thought the order was wrong; it should be Desire. Love. Heartache. Repeat. She discussed it with Willow over lunch while they watched Andrew crash and burn in his latest ploy to date one of the new Slayers. Willow let her fumble through a questionable psychological explanation before raising an eyebrow and stating, "It's Angel, Buffy. It has to be 'Love. Desire. Heartache'."

Buffy frowned into her warm soda and wondered why she could prevent an apocalypse but couldn't get a grip on her love life. "Okay. But does it have to do the repeat thing?"

Willow continued to stare at her. "It's Angel, Buffy," she repeated.

Dawn's slim fingers snatched a carrot from Buffy's plate. "I keep telling her that. But does she listen to me?" She smiled as she spoke and robbed the words of their meanness.

The older sister glared at her younger sister. "Did I ask you? And what's wrong with your salad? Why are you eating mine?"

Dawn twirled the carrot in the little bowl of ranch dressing that sat beside her mostly untouched lunch plate. "I already ate my carrots," she answered.

Faith rolled her eyes. After four weeks in Europe, conversation among the females of the original Scoobies revolved around (1) The New Slayers, (2) What Are We Going To Do with The New Slayers, and (3) Buffy's (love) life aka Angel since Spike was a pile of dust at the bottom of a crater formerly known as Sunnydale. Faith was beginning to think she was on the Slayer version of Real World. "Does it make any difference, B? It is what it is. And with you? It's always been Angel."

Buffy sighed and piled some spinach leaves onto her fork. "And your point is?"

"Her point is that you should just accept it and move on," interjected Xander. "Or not accept it. And move on. Or back. Or something. Just move." He scanned the table of exasperated women. "Or I could be the one who moves." He stood, picked up his plate and utensils, and tucked his beer bottle under his arm. "Giles? Want some company? I've just been voted off the island." Xander joined the former Watcher at an adjacent table.

The two slayers, witch, and mystical key ate in companionable silence for several minutes.

"I don't know that I can do it again." Buffy's choked whisper shattered the reverie.

Dawn's hand quickly covered her sister's. "No one says you have to, Buffy. Angel isn't going anywhere. And he made it pretty clear he was gonna wait for you forever. You're the one that's not getting any younger!"

"Dawnie's right, Buffy. Angel loves you. He always has. You've both changed. Maybe this time it'll be different." Willow hugged her best friend. "Maybe this time it will be better."

"And what do I do about the desire bit, Will? What? I'm gonna call you everytime we get … intimate?"

"Put her on speed dial, B." Dawn, Willow, and Buffy glared at Faith. "Geez, I was kidding. But seriously. He's heading up Wolfram & Hart. They've got this supersized mojo department. There's gotta be something. Worst case scenario, you get one of them customized dildos that look and feel like the real thing."

"Faith!" chorused Willow and Buffy.

"Neat!" said Dawn.

Faith regarded the women. "You know, I'm thinking Xander had the right idea." She began to stand and gather her lunch.

"No, Faith. Stay. Really. You've got a good idea. Except for the dildo part." Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Although that has possibilities too." She caught the smirk on Faith's face. "Do me a favour and don't go there." She turned to Dawn. "Especially you."

"Did I say anything?" asked Dawn innocently.

Buffy's face grew serious. "And the heartache?"

"That comes with the love, Buffy. But you know that already." Willow's soft voice carried itrs own undertones of love and pain. "So…"

"So?"

"So get on a plane and go back to LA already." Xander's hand squeezed her shoulder and placed an ice-cold soda in front of her. His carefully neutral voice didn't conceal the concern on his face. "Go do the heartache thing. And then do the love thing. But don't do the desire thing until Angel's fixed."

* * *

It took Buffy 30 seconds to get completely lost in the labyrinth that was the LA offices of Wolfram & Hart. It took Angel 300 seconds to find her.

"Buffy. What are you doing here?" He was hesitant. Their last meeting had not gone the way he had expected. There could be a million reasons why she was here and only one of them could be him.

"There's this mantra that keeps following me," she explained with a wave of her hand.

"A mantra? A mantra followed you? Buffy, are you sure?" The slayer smiled at the multiple expressions that slid across Angel's face: confusion, concern, hesitancy. She knew the question he really wanted to ask was if she even knew what a mantra was.

"Not following so much as haunting." She smiled as his face lightened with understanding.

"Do you think it's some sort of spell? I'll get Wesley on it right away." He guided her into an open elevator that rapidly whisked them higher into the building.

Buffy gazed at her reflection in the mirrored panels. Where was the 15-year-old girl that Angel had fallen for? A haggard face stared back at her. It had the eyes of a middle-aged woman. She suddenly turned to look at Angel and found him staring at her.

"What?" She didn't know what he saw in her anymore.

"Nothing." Angel replied. The elevator stopped and he led her towards his office. "Tell me about this mantra."

Buffy wandered around the furnished room and stopped before the plate-glass window. "Not much to tell. Four words. Love. Desire. Heartache. Repeat." She heard the scribble of a pen over paper. "Angel, it's not a spell."

"What is it?" His voice appeared beside her ear.

"It's us," she said, speaking to the window. "It's you and me." She waited for a response. "It's how it's always been with us."

Angel could feel the heat radiating from her body as she leaned her back against his chest. She threaded her fingers through his and wrapped his arms around her waist. His lips brushed her ear and neck. "I can't promise that it will be any different this time," he offered. Nothing had changed for him.

"I know." Buffy turned in his embrace and accepted his kiss. His hands drew her closer to him. "That's why there's a repeat. We get lots of chances to try and get it right."